Confessions of a bald weirdo
by Miss Funnel Cake
Summary: Read the hilarious diary of Lord Voldemort as he rants about Potter, nose loss, his new boy band V.O.G, and being stuck on the back of some idiot's head.
1. The totally not stressed Lord Voldemort

**Hello! This is the diary of Lord Voldemort, it's incredibly OOC so if you don't like that you can just, you know, leave. This is a new edited chapter so if it seems diff****erent, that's why. I edited it because well, it kinda sucked. The sequel is up so if you like this go check that out and please review! **

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Dear Diary,

I really don't see how this is going to help. Jane (my secretary) and Dr. Trimble say I'm stressed. I'm not stressed at all!

Bitch, I'm fabulous.

In fact, you could say I'm….anti-stressed. SEE, TOTALLY NOT STRESSED!

Okay, maybe I'm a BIT stressed about a few things…. like, Potter! Why can't he just die?

I've tried to kill him seven times! SEVEN TIMES! Can't he just do me a favor?

I mean, isn't nice of me that I always wait until the end of the school year to kill him? Despite my flaws, at least I care about his education. I've even made him an overachiever! Look at all the complex spells he had to learn because of me!

Seriously, you make the kid famous and admired be the entire wizarding world and he can't do one little thing for me. After all I've done for him!

Children are so frustrating.

Also, another thing I'm a BIT stressed about is that people are always asking me is 'Voldemort, why don't you have a nose?'.

Well I'm sorry! It's not MY fault that when I split my soul my nose would disappear! I had no idea that was going to happen.

They should really put on the manual 'WARNING: CREATING HORCRUXS MAY CAUSE BALDNESS, NOSE LOSS, AND EXTREME PALENESS. PRECEDE AT OWN RISK'I tried calling the company a few times but nobody would pick up.

So maybe, just maybe, if they had bothered to put that on the manual I wouldn't have made any Horcruxs and we wouldn't be in this whole war mess right now.

-Voldemort


	2. The guy that sorta burned to ashes

**This is a revised chapter. What did you think of the first one? Review? **

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Dear Diary,

Remember Qurriel? The guy that sorta burned to ashes in Potter's first year? Yeah, that guy.

He was annoying.

Always whining and whining about how nobody would go out with him and how he couldn't get any girls. Maybe that was my fault, because having a guy on the back of your head isn't what I think woman find attractive.

Well that's just a theory.

And it was kind of strange sharing the same body and sleeping in the same bed. I mean, I know we were co-workers and all but there should be a line that should never be crossed. You must be wondering, 'How did you change clothes?' or 'How did you take showers?'

Well, I really don't want to talk about it.

Moving on, so today I went to Buffet le Potter (the kid even has a buffet names after him!). And I realized that the ice cream spoons they use for buffets are tiny!

Uh, hello? How do you except me to get six scoops of mint chocolate chip with that THING!

THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS!

I ended up getting kicked of the buffet for screaming at the ice cream stand and 'harassing' and 'frightening' customers.

Ain't my fault the customers can't handle THIS.

CLUB CAN'T HANDLE ME!

The buffet owner will be excepting a very angry letter from me.

-Voldemort


	3. The start of VOG

**Thanks for all the reviews! :) **

**MapleTreeway: Do you want to know how screwed up it is? I read an article recently about how each member of One Direction smells like!**

**m1347: That's not the first time someone's told me that...**

**StarStruck99: Thanks, reading your review made me smile :)**

**Aguamenta: I'm not a very talented drawer either, trust me...**

**potterhead1997: Yes I do! I love her!**

**owlgirlie387: OH THE TITANIC! I'm acutally planning to do a chapter about that in the future. And it's called sarcasm.**

**Oh and just so you know I am NOT a fan of One Direction but I think they are very pretty and their songs are catchy.**

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Dear Diary,

OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!

You won't believe this but, I GOT TICKETS TO ONE DIRECTION!

I. LOVE. THEM.

What Makes You Beautiful is such a deep song. It's lyrics reach out into my soul.

'The way that you flip your hair get's me overwhelmed' means that 'hair' represents your life, and 'flipping' means making the best out of it. So you're making the best out of your life. And then 'overwhelmed' means happy, so making the best of your life makes you happy.

Wow, they're like hot philosophers.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this in my previous entries, but I haven't had much luck with the ladies lately.

WAIT! I just got a BRILLIANT idea!

I should start my own boy-band.

I mean, One Direction's a boy-band and they have girls mauling their faces all the time!

It can be Lucius, Roldulphus, Peter and I!

We can call our selves... Voldemort and other guys!

V.O.G for short.

Yes, that's perfect, Potter will then be so jealous of V.O.G that he will be captured by seven Mexicans with questionable citizenship and then crumble into little Potter pieces while everyone bows down to me and Potter is a total lame-o.

Girls will be clawing us in no time!

Jane's telling me to stop fantasying and get back to work.

That woman needs to calm down and get a drink or something.

God knows she needs one.

Wait, I just discovered One Direction has their own fanfiction site.

Guess what I'm doing with my weekend?

-Voldemort


	4. Stalking is not romantic

**Nobody: Aw, stop it, you're making me blush.**

**L Lenaghan: Thanks :) **

**TheTokenFemale: Glad I could help :). Has your week really been that bad?  
**

**Crazy cat lady: No freckles? Are you sure your looking at there faces close enough? There must be at least ONE freckle on their ginger faces. Oh and we've all heard the voices before...**

**MapleTreeway: It's a hard route. I always end up falling off cliffs or something.**

**Rome Beauty: This fanfic is not meant to be taken seriously, it's just some random thoughts I have that I like to write. It's fun. **

**xXKuroiTenshiXx: You're a great writer too.**

**Jez Redfern the Huntress: Totally agree with you.**

**tambrathegreat: Despite Voldemort flaws, he really cares about Harry's education. **

**Rome Beauty's review made me realize that it's about time I put a real fanfiction up, so erm, I'm going to work on that. **

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Dear Diary,

Everybody knows the Titanic sank because the people on it were incredibly stupid. No matter how much people try to deny it, it's true.

The people were pig-headed, arrogant, and thought they could do anything.

I mean I do that too but that's different.

The captain of the titanic was a moron. Sure, if you hit an iceberg straight on the ship wouldn't sink. But don't you think, as the captain of a gigantic ship it would be best to avoid icebergs in general?

You know, just a thought.

Oh and today I saw the Titanic movie with Peter!

He was sobbing like a girl for the entire movie.

Okay maybe I was crying too but it's different.

We were watching while eating ice cream (BIG SPOONS! YES!) and then Peter just gobbled up ALL the ice cream!

Then I tortured him for an hour so i guess we're even now.

What really frustrates me is while the titanic is sinking Rose is holding Jacks hand and tells Jack "Jack, I'll never let go!" then SHE LETS GO.

Didn't you just promise him you wouldn't let go a few seconds ago? Now popsicle Jack is sinking to the bottom of the ocean.

PROMISE BREAKER.

On the topic of stupid love stories, there's Twilight.

I mean, I used to be totally on Team Edward but now I'm on Team Guy Who Hit Bella with a Car.

At the end of Harry Potter Deathly Hallows Part 2 (The kid even has his own movie! The film portrayal of me was so inaccurate…) you get an epic war, at the end of Breaking Dawn Part 1 you get a childbirth scene.

I'VE BEEN SCARRED FOR LIFE!

So Edward leaves Bella and she turns into a zombie for months and jumps off a cliff. Smoooooooth.

And have you ever noticed how the covers have NOTHING to do with the book? A pair of hands holding an apple? Is the word apple even in the book?

If vampires can sparkle can we just hang them up and make them a disco ball?

Edward: Bella, I've been watching you sleep every night

Bella: Awwwwww, Edward that's so romantic!

NO, STALKING IS NOT ROMANTIC. CALL THE COPS. RIGHT NOW.

-Voldemort


	5. The Zombie Apocalypse

**This is a all new chapter of Confessions of a bald weirdo that wasn't in the old version. So enjoy! **

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Dear Diary,

What would you do during the zombie apocalypse? Why, I would get a leather jacket! Because the zombie hunters in the movies always have leather jackets, it makes them look, like totally awesome. I would be all 'BAM! BAM! DIE, ZOMBIES DIE!' and I would go on a psychotic rage and kill them all. (while wearing a leather jacket of course). It would be epic. I've noticed that Jane has a habit of throwing things at me….. WAIT! I JUST THOUGHT OF A BRILLIANT PLAN!

Voldemort's brilliant, amazing, totally awesome plan for the zombie apocalypse 

Team members (a.k.a The Voldies) :

Voldemort (a.k.a The Totally Awesome Leader)

Jane (a.k.a The Screaming Banshee)

Rodolphus Lestrange (a.k.a Rudolph L.)

Peter Pettigrew (a.k.a The Useless One)

Lucius Malfoy (a.k.a Willow Smith)

The Plan 

Phase 1: The Totally Awesome Leader will assemble The Voldies and lead them

Phase 2: The Totally Awesome Leader will use his epic karate moves to kill all the zombies while Rudolph L. distracts them with his deathly glare (which, actually is quite frightening)

Phase 3: Willow Smith will whip his luscious hair and all the zombies will wither at the sight of the luscious-ness of his hair

Phase 4: The Screaming Banshee will throw multiple things at the zombies and scream at them until they are ultimately destroyed

Phase 5: If all else fails, sacrifice The Useless one and/or use him as a shield

Genius, I know.

-Voldemort


	6. HATERS GUNNA HATE

**82 REVIEWS? THANK YOU. I LOVE YOU GUYS. **

**I'm simply oozing love for you.**

**BushyHairedFirecracker: Yes please and don't you love the new pen name I've given you? **

**Miss Edit: Thanks for your great advice, I will take that into consideration.**

**Aguamenta: Thank you :) **

**InsanityAintOptional: GO TEAM!**

**MapleTreeway: Gah, Mushroom George is easy. Now the Rainbow thingy (Rainbow bridge i think it's called) is hard. **

**Owlgirlie387: BE INTRIGUED!**

**Tambrathegreat: Gah, don't even mention that! Yes, Edward is very...special.**

**Anyone want to add me on Pottermore? Im PhoenixPurple24395.**

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I've getting some hurtful things said about my wand lately.

On Wizbook mainly, I think muggles call it Facebook?

They said my wand was girly and pink.

I'll have you know pink is a VERY mainly color.

But those words were very hurtful.

HATERS GUNNA HATE.

DON'T HATE, APPRECIATE.

THE HATERS ARE MY MOTIVATORS.

On the topic of strange things today I caught Wormtail sniffing my pillows.

That's like Nicki Manji creepy.

Wait...changed my mind, Nicki Manji isn't creepy at all.

She's bloody insane.

What the hell are starships anyway?

Peter just suggested that starships are ships made out of stars.

Shut up, Peter.

Let me just check something... OH MY GOD! I JUST GOT A RESPONSE FOR A ONLINE DATING WEBSITE I SIGNED UP FOR!

Her name is Drew Prazel, she's a pure blood, works as a go-go dancer and occasionally loves gingers, One Direction and kittens. Hates Potter and blood traitors. And is currently 'looking for love'.

My type of women.

Ooooooo, she's pretty.

She has short golden blonde hair, sparkling deep blue eyes and...

Wait, is that a dude?

DECLINE. DECLINE. DECLINE.

Maybe I should send a PM?

_Voldemort is currently unavailable at the moment. He has moved to a remote island where there is no internet connection, or any connection to the outside world. Also he's straight, just though you should know. _

There, that's better.

Like I said before is that society is screwed up. I think the three main reasons for the screw up-ness of our society are the following:

1. Small ice cream spoons

2. Potter

3. Justin Bieber

I just want to say one thing first, just because you say words like 'shawty' and 'swag' it doesn't automatically make you cool.

Trust me, I've tried before.

But I have to admit, Justin Bieber does have nice hair. I wish I had hair like that. Then I could whip it back and forth, just like Willow Smith...

Lucius Malfoy has nice hair too.

Anyways, another thing that really bothers me (other Justin Bieber of course) is stereotypes.

You try to take over the wizarding world one time. (Or quite a few times but that's besides the point.)

One time, and suddenly everyone treats you like you're a horrible person or something.

I'm a really nice guy once you get the know me!

Everybody always tells me 'You know Voldie, you are SUCH a nice guy'.

Ask Jane, she loves me.

-Voldemort


	7. The lies

**Unfortunately, this will be ending soon although I might write a 'V.O.G Tour Diary'  
****Thanks to Jez Redfern the Huntress and xXKuroiTenshiXx for helping me lot with this chapter. **

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Dear Diary,

V.O.G is officially on tour!

It's Wormtail, Lucius, Rodolphus, and I.

Wormtail is the Pianist, he's the adorable one.

Lucius is the Bassist, he's hot and dangerous.

Rodolphus is the drummer, he's the quiet and mysterious one.

I'm the lead guitarist and singer, I'm the totally awesome handsome, dreamy one.

Our musical style is a Nickelback\Taylor Swift, with a bit of Disney.  
So far we've performed in a totally packed cafeteria, although I think that's only because it was dollar taco day.

We earned our first fangirl there, she's eighty years old and deaf, but she still counts.

Before we has Jane pretend to be a fangirl, we gave her all the merchandise and l forced her to memorize all the songs, including our hit single 'Only one can live'.

She didn't seem very happy, but I'm sure she was just trying to contain her excitement.

We toured in Toronto, Canada, where I was really surprised that there were no polar bears and people didn't live in igloos!

Also people didn't carry around little bottles of maple syrup and weren't all crazy hockey fans.

Huh, who knew?

Then we went to Sydney, Australia, where there were no kangaroos roaming the streets. I even asked to buy one at Target but they said they didn't have any.

After that that we went to Ireland where there were absolutely no leprechauns or pots of gold. I had this whole leprechaun trap so we could catch one and sell him on eBay.

No polar bears, kangaroos, or leprechauns.

WE HAVE BEEN LIED TO OUR ENTIRE LIVES.

And it's quite strange when I tell our huge crowds that I'm from England and they automatically think I drink tea all the time.  
I refuse to drink that, that hot leaf juice!  
Jane tells me to stop be dramatic and that's exactly what tea is.  
We're hoping to open for One Direction but they still haven't replied yet even though it's been three months.

I'm sure they're just worrying we're going to become better then them. After all, we are quite charming not to mention we're incredibly good-looking.  
(Especially me.)

-Voldemort


	8. The end, for now

**THE LAST CHAPTER. Thanks to everyone who reviewed, favorited, or followed. Special thanks to MapleTreeway, Aguamenta, and owlgirlie387 who have been reviewing since the beginning. And Miss Edit, Jez Redfern the Huntress, tambrathegreat, and xXKuroiTenshiXx for all their help with this. I may write a sequel, not sure yet. (10/10/12 I've written a sequel.) **

**Tambrathegreat: I don't like hot leaf juice at all.**

**InsanityAintOptional: What should we call ourselves? V.O.G-ners? The Voldies! **

**: I WANT TO COME WITH YOU! Yes, you should make the V.O.G posters!**

**Miss Edit: I will fix that, thanks, you've been a great help! **

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Dear Diary.

Jane says that for the tour we should drive a muggle tour bus, for advertising purposes. Peter used to be the driver but he's absolutely hopeless, he thinks that if you hit every lamppost you get bonus points!

Everybody knows you're supposed to hit the stop signs for the bonus points!

So I brought it upon myself to become the new driver. I'm a great driver! It's just like Mario Kart with a few explosions and dead muggles.

I'm sure Potter isn't an amazing driver like I am, I bet he can't even hit the stop signs correctly for the bonus points.

I'm skilled.

As for advertising, Jane (she's the band manager) says we need to update our 'look'. I thought she just meant polishing my head but she says we have to farther than that.

Farther then head polishing? Jane is so EXTREME.

She had me wear this whole Darth Vader costume, then a blonde curly wig to the Taylor Swift hair flip thing.

Because everyone loves the Taylor Swift hair flip.

I WHIP MY HAIR BACK AND FORTH! I WHIP MY HAIR BACK AND FORTH!

But whipping your hair is, as I recently discovered, quite tiring.

How do bimbos do it?

V.O.G is currently working on their new song called 'Take your daughter to the circus', it really has deep and emotional meaning.

And it saddens me to say this but this will be my last diary entry.

I mean between V.O.G touring, finding new ways to kill Potter, failing to kill Potter, creeping on Potter's Wizbook page, and fangirling over One Direction, I simply don't have time to write.

Plus, will be busy drinking hot leaf juice, which I have learned is not so bad.

Maybe I will write again, but if anyone read this Diary I would die of embarrassment…..

-Voldemort


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